Stop the madness.

Last night I had to show Vi that she had gotten her stubborn streak genetically. From me. And that I had been honing mine for 32 1/2 years.

Vi woke up at 11:30, crying and screaming for me. Dan kindly got up and went into her room, which is literally next to ours. She almost fell back asleep, but woke up in a rage when he got up to leave the room. After 20 minutes of trying, he came and got me.

I tried for the next 2 1/2 hours.

That's right. From 11:48 pm to 2:38 am...okay, that's almost 3 hours...I tried to get Vi to go to sleep.

I started with my usual "I'm too tired to change these habits tonight" technique of laying down with her and snuggling until she was out. As with Dan, when I got up she was NOT happy.

Next, I sat on her bed for a while, holding her hand while she drifted off again. When I stood up to leave, she cranked up the volume again.

I decided then to see if she would "just do it" on her own tonight. I told her, "Vi, I'm not going to sleep in your bed. I'm tired, and I want to sleep in MY bed. You sleep in YOUR bed. Good night."

She started using every trick in the book, every tool in her bag, every word she could use to get her way - sleeping with me, either in The Big Bed as she calls it, or in her Big Girl Bed. Either way, she would be a neck-poking, nose-pinching, elbow-digging bed hog, and I would wake up un-rested with a neck ache. From too much "snuggling."

Lines she tried on me:

• I need a drink of water
• I want some hot milk
• I don't want that blanket
• I need a blanket
• I need a bubba
• I want a different bubba
• I don't want a bubba, I want a Pac-i-fi-er.
• I DON'T WANT THAT BUBBA.

It was becoming clear that the "needs" she expresses every night are just tools to get us to give in and lay down with her or bring her to our bed. She was manipulating us - not in a malicious way, but basically trying to elicit a certain response from her test subjects. And we always gave in, until last night. Well, we equals me at midnight. Dan was already snoring away in The Big Bed, and I made an executive decision to stand my ground and enforce a new policy.

The talking and crying continued:

• I don't want to go to sleep
• I want to get in the big bed
• Mommy? Wanna come back in my room? Wanna lay down, with meeee? (sweet, sweet, sweetly spoken.)

I almost gave in. Her words! She was speaking so clearly, being polite, inviting, and sweet. How sweet! She just wants to snuggle. What's the harm? If I won't snuggle with her now, years from now I'll regret it, I started to tell myself. I may have been thinking out loud at this point - who knows. Unfortunately, this all happened on a Tuesday night (into Wednesday morning, for you sticklers) so Adam and Dylan were upstairs sleeping in our guest room. Dylan wasn't disturbed, but poor Adam was kept awake by the Sleep Summit of 2009.

I realized, though, that I had to stick to my guns. I had been strong in the new policy for over 45 minutes. (Well, just at 45 minutes I went into the bedroom and told Dan I was going to, and this is a direct quote, "chuck her out the fucking window." When he started snoring again instead of talking, I decided to kill him in his sleep after I got a drink of water.)

So, back to me being strong and awesome. I knew that there was no turning back at this point. If I gave in after such a long fight, then the next time I tried would be even worse. She couldn't win this one, or else I would really pay for it. I could out-stubborn a mule.

I stood in her doorway, speaking softly, telling her "Good night. It's nighttime, it's time for sleeping. Lay down and go to sleep." She would reply, "No." Just that - a firm, sour "No." In between requests like:

• I wanna hug your neck
• I want to take off my jammies
• I need a new diaper (she didn't)

she would cry and scream at a ridiculous level. In these moments, I was glad to have company - I reminded her that there were people sleeping, and to use her quiet voice so she wouldn't wake up Dylan.

I stepped outside her room, and leaned on the hallway wall. More claims:

• I pooped (she hadn't)
• Ow, Ow, OW!
• Mommy? Lay down, mommy. Lay down with meeee. (again resorting to nearly irresistible sweetness.)

I stepped further down the hall, and stood in my bedroom doorway. I got a pillow and sat on the floor. She asked me "Where are you, Mommy? What you doing, Mommy?" several times. The final half hour or so was the most painful. She was crying intermittently, kneeling in her bed, occasionally folding forward to rest her head on the pillow. Then up again, crying and screaming, saying over and over again, "I wanna snuggle my Daddy in the big bed, Mommy. I wanna snuggle my Daddy." This was definitely the most heart-breaking part for me - at first. I remembered all the other "tools" she had been using, and what her goal was. Her goal wasn't to snuggle with Dan. Once in The Big Bed, she would - and I know this in every inch of my body - wrap her arms around my neck and keep me from breathing like a healthy human being. I had to keep telling myself this - I wasn't denying her something she needed, and that all three of us need to start getting regular, dependable, recuperative sleep. I told her, out loud, "I know, honey. I know you do. It's hard when we can't do everything we want to do. It's nighttime, though, and it's time for you to sleep all alone in your bed. You're a big girl, and I know you can do it. I love you." I must have said, "I know, I know," forty times. I opted for "I know" rather than "It's okay; you're fine," because that would just be a lie.

Her words got softer, and the time between cries got longer. After 20 minutes of silence, I covered her in cozy blankets and crawled into The Big Bed.

I was completely wound up, cold from sitting on the floor, stressed about a full day of work ahead on so little sleep, and Dan was snoring like a wookie. But, I knew I had taken a step in the right direction. My kid will learn some independence, some self-soothing, and some boundaries. And, hopefully...I'll get some sleep.

My sleep problems guru, Dr. Sears has suggestions for parents on his website. Actually, it's not just "him." The awesome thing about Dr. Sears is that it's him, his RN wife, and his gaggle of genious kids who are also MDs. He's, like, 5 doctors, so he's, like, 5 times as helpful.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp