Harder than I ever imagined

I didn't know it would be this difficult.

I didn't know it would be this sudden.

I didn't know I could cry so hard.

I've stopped producing milk. Even typing those words makes my eyes well up with tears.

I'm one of those women who LOVED breastfeeding. I thought it was going to be difficult when we started weaning, that I would miss it, that she would fuss, that we would still have a before-bed or first-thing in the morning feeding that would last for several months beyond her first birthday. Knowing that Vi, like most babies, has her own unique developmental schedule, I wasn't sure if we'd start weaning around 12 months, earlier, or later.

We started much earlier, because she started biting me. When I asked my lactation consultant what to do when she started biting - several months ago, before The Teeth arrived - she said, "A baby who is nursing properly won't bite, because the tongue is in the way." In retrospect, I should have said, "Yeah, but what about when she's nursing improperly?" or, "Great, can I talk to another consultant now, please?" Because, I knew full-well, that babies bite when nursing!

So, I read up on it. One book said to scold the baby firmly - a loud, angry "No." One book said to gently remove the baby and say "That hurst Mama." One said to smother the baby - pull her closer to the breast - so that breathing is constricted, thus letting the baby realize, "Oh, I can't bite and breathe and nurse at the same time. I'd better let go." One said to cry. I tried all of these things, but that little baby would stop nursing, bite, and look at me out of the corner of her eyes to see what sort of reaction she would get. (As I write this I realize that maybe NO reaction at all would have worked for Vi. Hmm. Damn you, retrospect.) She would often laugh or smile at whatever I did.

I started pumping and giving her a bottle instead of nursing, which was really difficult - emotionally and logistically. Pumping is really time-consuming, and, while I don't believe in parenting by convenience, doubling the time it takes to feed was just out of the question for me. We started supplementing with formula. I was only breastfeeding in the wee hours of the morning, when she was half-awake and hungry (and not looking for the joy of biting). I was only pumping once a day. I figured if she could continue to have one or two full servings of breastmilk a day until she's 12 months old, that would be great for her immune system.

I looked in the feezer yesterday, and realized there was no more breastmilk in storage.

Then last night, I sat down to pump, and nothing came out. I pumped for forty minutes - nothing.

In the wee hours of the morning, I padded into the kitchen and mixed a bottle of formula, instead of bringing my sweet baby to my breast and providing her what only I could provide.

And I cried myself back to sleep.